I’ve been quiet on social media as I’ve been in the wars. I haven’t had the energy to be there so I figured I’d wait until I can chat properly once more.
We returned from our family holiday last week and I had a couple of days at home to sort what needed to be sorted and then I came into hospital. I’ve been here for the past few days. I’m usually trying to tie the sheets together to escape out the nearest window, but I’m too sick to even contemplate pulling off a pillowcase, so for once I’m behaving and relaxing!
I’m on a pain pump once more. The nurses create a little make-shift bag to hold the pump so I can hoof it about with me. As a joke I said to my nurse Shóna that the bag had better be Chanel – she made me one!! I’ll post a photo. Shóna, you’re a legend, thank you. It makes me giggle every time I see it. The other side of the bag is a loose tribute to Louis Vuitton – gotta love that too!
My treatment plan has changed once more. Scans revealed that the other one had ceased to be of benefit. So I’m on to a combination of radiation and chemotherapy. There’s an amazing new machine for radiation and it takes half the time is even more targeted than before, so it’s really positive to see this advance since I was last there. Treatments are improving all the time – fact.
I’ll need ten fractions, or ten goes in the machine, which is a walk in the part after my fifty the last time! But they’re long enough sessions and after only two I’m feeling it baby. But that’s good. That’s great. It means it’s doing something nasty to the cancer.
The chemotherapy will be continuous which means I will be hooked up to it all the time. It comes in a little bottle (with a neon pink lid! Yes I approve!) and it’s connected to the port in my chest. This is my new best friend and will accompany me everywhere. Once I’m strong enough to go home, I’ll return to hospital and have the bottle changed once a week.
The tumour at the front of my throat is the one the medical team and I want to say goodbye to the most as it’s interfering with my swallow and breathing. What ever about swallowing stuff which is kind of handy, breathing is very useful, so that needs to be sorted instantly.
The pain levels shot through the roof again too. Just to make sure I knew those tumours were there to cause hassle! My poor hubby didn’t get a wink of sleep on holiday. My choking noises were and are at their worst at night. So he literally endured ten days of attempting to pull a pillow over his own face. I did offer to go to a single room or for him to be in with the kids but he’s a sucker for punishment so he stayed.
I ended up getting a prescription for heavy-duty steroids faxed to the Canaries and needless to say I got an infection just for good measure. But I’d learned from past experience and brought an antibiotic, so that was administered too!
We made the most of the holiday. It was wonderful to be together, just the four of us with no plans and lots of knock off handbags. There was no need to bargain in the searing heat of the beach. There were massive shops of them with matching wallets and everything. What more could a girl want? The boys headed for the jet-ski type stuff while us girls drooled over the bags.
Before you ask, yes we did have one bag that was too heavy for the plane so we had to distribute pairs of rolled up jeans and tops into rucksacks while frazzled passengers muttered expletives under their breath at us. There was a lot of sweating and avoiding eye contact with the queue going on. Apparently hubby will be weighing the bags at home next time…
There was a bit of a sting at the airport too. I’m holding the steroids fully responsible. I gave the teenagers card blanche to put whatever perfume/aftershave/makeup they “needed.” Hubby and I joined in. Oh dear! The bill almost brought a tear to my eye. Even now, I’m having difficulty thinking about it – so therefore I just won’t!
Why? Because we’re worth it. I will not be the richest person in the graveyard but I’m certain we all smell divine!
I’ll be in hospital for a while longer. I’ve resigned myself to it and I don’t feel a great rushing need to get out. I need to take the time and get onto the right track with this combination.
This bout, for want of a better word, has been the worst. It’s being resilient and it’s scary as hell. But my gloves are on. I’m willing to fight with all my might to try and get better again.
At least I had the foresight to have my claws removed before coming in. My daughter and I had our nails done before going away. It was a lovely bonding experience but, dear Lord they make it impossible to do anything.
From picking up coins to typing (major issue for me) it was as if my fingers had taken on a life of their own.
Now I have neat and sensible shellac arrangement going on, in a tame grey shade. Far more sensible and fitting for a person of my age really… I miss the pink sparkles though (who in her right mind wouldn’t?) and I will have them again soon, I promise! Speaking of promise – the paperback of ‘The Wedding Promise’ is out in the UK and worldwide. If you see it, you might like to pick up a copy? If you do, I hope you enjoy it. Thanks so much to the great many of you who have already done so. I’ve had gorgeous emails via my website (www.emmahannigan.com) from lots of you who’ve enjoyed it and I cherish each one.
I know I reach out to you fabulous people all the time. I’m greedy like that. But I’d sincerely love it if you would remember me when you say your prayers, light candles, talk to angels, feed fairies in your garden or do a little dance around your favourite tree… What ever you believe works, I don’t mind. Would you ask for healing and good vibes for me? I’d really appreciate it. I’ll do my very best this end meanwhile. I’ll embrace this chemotherapy and get through this belt of radiation in my new Hannibal Lecter mask.
If you’re on a similar road, lets hold hands virtually. We’ll do it together. One step at a time, one day at a time.
Thanks in advance because I know how amazing my support network is.
My fingers are numb on my right hand so I’m making a total pigs ear of this typing thing. Praise-be to the laptop and auto correct! I’ll sign off now.
Chat to you again soon. Have a lovely weekend. Our two teenagers are at Longitude music festival today and tomorrow. My heart will be in my mouth until I know they’re home safe and sound. But isn’t it great for them to go off and hang out with friends and listen to music? It’s what being young is all about and I hope they enjoy every second I just hope they all come home safe and sound!
Chat to you soon,
Love and light